You Should Learn About Yourself

Instagram stories made me blog less, and my attention span for writing this post became shorter. Nevertheless, today I managed to cook up this draft.

Hari ini, I would like to write or journal about my experience of co-existing with others. We inevitably carry some form of emotional liability toward those we’ve connected with — like certain family members or close friends. With colleagues, it’s usually less so, since there’s already a kind of unspoken agreement: “We’re here to mutually benefit each other while working this job together.” Tapi in this world, there are so many humans with different attitudes, personalities, and characters that we have to co-exist with. Even close family members, friends, and colleagues are all distinct individuals with their own sets of personalities and traits. Co-existing with them creates the dynamics of everyday life.

As much as I want to avoid any additional, unnecessary emotional liabilities, I still have the individuals I’m connected to; (those family members, close friends, and colleagues), and I should take care of them emotionally. And I admit, I’m kinda bad at handling emotions, since I’m more of a logical person with poor feeling cues. I won’t blame or rant about my emotionally suppressed upbringing. It’s all in the past, and we don't have control over that. We’re living in the present now, so why bother?

Sebab tu, today I want to talk about what we can control. And since this is my blog, I want to talk about myself, about the esteemed Aan, maybe in terms of social dynamics and impact.

I’ve conditioned myself to be self-reliant. Why? Minimal emotional risk.

I assumed that I couldn’t depend on anyone else because everyone is human and capable of making mistakes. I’m human too and prone to errors, but at least when it’s my fault, I can just blame myself without being disappointed with others. Yeah, I got trust issues, so I only trust myself. So, those around me might feel like I don’t need anyone, or that I’m too focused on my own lane to care. Some might even mistake my independence for pride. But I am actually proud of myself being independent tho.

Dear others, I’m sorry for not fully trusting you all. It’s not that I don’t want to; I just try not to place too many expectations, because when expectations fail, it hurts. After all, you guys are all human-like me, who can, and are bound to make mistakes. See, this is why I'm still happy being single.

Point 1: You can choose who you want to rely on. Or to rely on or not.

I don't often share my vulnerabilities. 

You saw my IG stories? All the fancy shits. My house decor shits, my cooking skills, cute clay stuffs, and worldly belongings that i can't even carry into my grave. People who consume my content will be bound to think that I’m very productive and competitive. My audience mostly sees the outcome — my productivity, results, and competitiveness — but not the process: my doubts, fatigue, or moments of hesitation. I assume people see me through impossibly high standards, or think I’m emotionally invulnerable — maybe even intimidating rather than inspiring. You know what I mean? 

Point 2: You can’t control how people see you, but you can control what you choose to share with them.

 

I actually cry often. In fact, I just cried last night while driving home.

Should people be aware of my sudden, out-of-nowhere crying? Or the emotional drain I feel after my Japanese class — the one I’ve started losing interest in? I don’t think my feelings matter that much. After all, each of us is just a guest character in someone else’s story. You’re sad? Disappointed? Feeling like the world, your friends, or your family have failed you? So what. Just let your emotion flows. Cry if you need to. The world will keep spinning, and it won’t wait for you to feel okay. 

Point 3: You can control how you handle your emotions, even if no one else sees them.

Do I get jealous?

Welp. I’m built to compete. Jealousy? Yeah, that hits me too. I do get jealous of others. Jealous of people born with a silver spoon, straight out of the womb into a loving, well-off family, blessed with a happy childhood. But what would I benefit from being bitter and jealous? Jealousy uses emotional energy. And I don't want to spend a single shit of energy on something that doesn't benefit me. For now, my jealousy fuels me to achieve and accomplish things, learn new skills just to satiate my inferiority. For example, I get jealous of the unfair treatment between siblings. I didn’t even have a personal room in our family house. I had to share with another sibling and the kids my mom babysat. I used to sleep in the living room too. All that made me buy my own house, just to finally have my own room. Easy peasy. 

Point 4: You can control where to redirect your energy. Don’t waste it on something that doesn’t give you a return.

So, conclusion. You do you. Lol. At the end of the day, we can’t control others or life’s randomness. But we can control ourselves—who we trust, what we share, how we feel, and where we focus.

Kthnx, bye.